Crush Me
by anotherweasley
Summary: Chapter 2 is up for those who asked for some more:)
1. Release

Crush Me  
By: Olivia  
  
He couldn't hold on to her forever, even though he wanted to. The wind was picking up and the temperature was dropping. John reluctantly, slowly released Monica from his embrace. She too, reluctantly let go. It was if in that moment everything was perfect, everything was right, everything was okay, but it had to come to an end.  
  
Monica gazed at John for a long moment, trying to read his thoughts, but she couldn't, she couldn't feel anything from him. She was lost in his eyes. He looked at her differently than he had ever looked at her before as if he was seeing her, really seeing her for the first time.  
  
She always knew she loved him, but for the first time she realized, she understood, that he loved her too. Only he had been too scared to allow her to love him, to allow himself to love her.   
  
It had been easier to allow himself to love Dana. There had been safety in that love. He knew Dana would never, could never, return this love he felt for her. He loved Dana because he recognized himself in her. He recognized the hurt that comes with losing a loved one. He had lost his son. Dana had lost her partner. He had seen that Dana carried the same amount of pain that he too carried. He had wanted to ease her pain. But Mulder returned and John had to carry his pain alone.   
  
That is until Monica came back into his life. She had wanted to carry the pain again that she had carried with him so long ago and would have carried for him if she could. But he had been scared. He didn't want to burden her with his pain. She deserved better. So he hadn't allowed her into his heart although he knew she had slipped in unbeknownst to him. He knew it the second he got the call from the hospital saying she had been in a car accident. And yet even then, even after he got her back, he still resisted. He had remained her devoted friend, her devoted partner until this moment.   
  
His pain had eased the second he had seen her there waiting for him and he had pulled her into that hug. Some unspoken, unseen, line had been crossed at that moment. It was as if the past could now be left in the past and they could look forward to the future, their future, together.  
  
The moment took Monica's breath away. "Are you ready to head back?"  
  
John nodded. "Rehobeth Beach's boardwalk's bout ten minutes away. Why don't we stop by, get somethin' to eat? I know I haven't eaten anything all day. I'm sure you haven't either."  
  
Monica nodded her assent to this. They got in the car and Monica drove them to the boardwalk. They easily found a parking spot. It was pretty much deserted save for a few tourists and the locals who kept shop. The summer vacationers wouldn't arrive in full force until about a month later when the temperature warmed and the schools let out, when the humid D.C. weather drove them all out of the city and to the Eastern Shore.  
  
They got out of the car and grabbed a couple of slices at a local pizza joint. They took them and sat on a bench on the boardwalk. They ate silently as they watched the waves crash onto the beach and a few lone seagulls made lazy circles in the sky.  
  
Monica and John really didn't speak much during that time. They just enjoyed this time spent together in each other's company. It was rare that they got to spend any time together outside work, work which, since joining the X-Files, seemed to follow them relentlessly wherever they went nowadays. They both knew that spending time together outside of work now was going to change. It had to. There was no desire, no sense in keeping up the pretense, that they only felt the friendship and loyalty that comes with being partners. It was much deeper than that.  
  
When they had finished eating, John took their paper plates and threw them away in a nearby trashcan. John came back to her and held out his hand to help her up. She grabbed his hand and he pulled her up. It was then he felt how cold her hand was. He saw that she was shivering slightly. She hadn't brought her coat. He said something to her about this.  
  
Monica laughed softly. "You know what they say-cold hands, warm heart."  
  
John smiled as he shrugged off his coat and put it on her despite her protests. John looked around and spotted a store down on the main street that connected to the boardwalk. He looked down at his watch. He looked back up at the store.  
  
"Monica, my watch is dead. I'm gonna go over to that jewelry store and get a new battery put in it. Why don't you go and get inside the car? I'll be back in a few minutes. Then we can head home."  
  
Monica nodded. She went to the car, got inside, and turned on the heat.  
  
She watched John enter the store and come out a few minutes later. He got inside the car and she started driving home.  
  
About three hours later, they pulled up outside of John's home. Darkness had settled long ago.  
  
"Well thanks for the ride," said John turning to look at Monica.  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
And awkward silence settled between them. They were here again at this point, history repeating itself. There was so much unsaid between them and yet so much they felt for one another.  
  
"What I meant to say was thanks for everything." John reached into his pocket and pulled out something that glittered in the moonlight. He gently took Monica's hand and to her surprise put something in her palm. She looked at John once curiously before examining what he had given her. By the streetlamps, Monica could see it was a silver necklace with an open heart-shaped, jeweled pendant.  
  
"It's beautiful, John," was all Monica could say. And indeed it was beautiful.  
  
"Monica." John's voice was deeply laced with emotion. "From the moment I first met you, you have given me everything, everything you've got. You put your heart into everything you do. You've been with me through everything-the loss of my son, you came here to help me on the X-Files, and you've helped me find my son's killer. We've come full circle you and I. You've given me your heart and I've given you nothing in return."  
  
"John..." Monica began to protest John's last sentence when John leaned in and kissed Monica gently on the lips. It took Monica a surprised second to respond in kind.  
  
But before the kiss could delve into something deeper. John gently broke the kiss. He leaned back against the car door and simply gazed at Monica.  
  
"You've got my heart," said John softly as he quickly let himself out of the car and walked up to the porch. The porch light came on basking John in an eerie glow amidst the darkness. But John turned and waited. He waited to see Monica safely off.  
  
Monica put the necklace on and played with the heart pendant for a second with her fingers. She gazed out the window at John one last time before putting the car in drive and heading home. Slowly a small smile that grew bigger began to grow on her face. He loved her. And it was then that she realized that she hadn't been this happy in a very long time.  
  
The End  
  
"Crazy how you make it all alright love/You crush me with the things you do/I do for you anything too...Lovely lady/I am at your feet/God I want you so badly...Each moment/The more I love you/Crush me...Lovely lady I will treat you sweetly/Adore you/I mean/ You crush me/It's times like these/When my faith I feel/And I know/How I love you...By love we'll beat back the pain we've found/You know/I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside/My friend/With each moment the more I love you...So much you have given love/That I would give you back/Again and again/Meaning I'll hold you/And please/Let me always."-Dave Matthews Band-"Crush" 


	2. Return

Crush Me Part II  
By: Olivia  
  
Monica's cell phone rang as she drove away from John's headed back to D.C., back to here apartment.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Monica."  
  
At John's voice Monica instantly turned the car around.  
  
A few minutes later she pulled back up to John's house. He was just sitting there on his porch. He hadn't even bothered to go inside as far as Monica could tell as she walked towards him. John's gaze had been following her ever since she pulled up. Monica sat down gingerly beside him and then she waited for him to speak.  
  
John slowly and gently reached for Monica's hand and interlaced his fingers with hers. He drew her hand to his chest. She could feel his heart beating rapidly, just as her own was.  
  
The both gazed at each other for a few seconds.  
  
Finally John broke the silence. "I'm sorry, Monica." His eyes were full of sadness, full of regret.  
  
"There's nothing to be sorry about, John," said Monica simply.  
  
"I'm sorry for shutting you out, for keeping you at a distance all the time. I let you in today and then I shut you out again. Today was the first day I realized...I realized I could forgive myself for not protecting Luke. I realized that I could allow myself to be happy. I realized I could let you in."  
  
"I know you couldn't before, but I've always known you cared about me. I never doubted that."  
  
"I've been so scared to let anybody in for so long. I couldn't fail them, not like I failed Luke. I didn't want to drag them down with me. Even when I was happy, Luke was never far away from my thoughts. You wanted to help ease my pain, take some of it upon yourself, but I couldn't let you, I couldn't let that light that I see in your eyes diminish, not even for an instant, because of me. I never meant to disappoint or hurt you, Monica."  
  
"John, you have never...never disappointed or hurt me. You could never. It's not in you."  
  
John shook his head. "I know I have. You have stood by me as nobody else in my life ever has. I want to do that for you. As horrible as my son's death is, it brought you into my life. Then our lives drifted apart. The X-Files brought you back again into my life. I can't fight fate. I don't want to. I never want to be separated from you again. You make me want to be the man you think I am. I know you cared a great deal about Folmer. I know he disappointed you and hurt you. I don't want to disappoint and hurt you any longer."  
  
"Yes, Brad did hurt me. But I never cared about him the way I love you," said Monica simply.  
  
John took a deep breath. He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. "I love you, Monica."  
  
Monica felt her heart melting. He really was letting her in. "I love you, John."  
  
The words were said. They were spoken. They both had laid their mutual feelings on the table. Lines had been crossed. There was no turning back.  
  
John just gazed at Monica. He was lost in her hazel eyes. She could feel all the love for her he had been holding back for so long. It consumed them. Her love equaled his own.  
  
"Monica, you are just the most beautiful soul I've ever met."  
  
A tear started to trickle down Monica's cheek. For so long she had hoped that he would allow her access to his heart, allow her to love him as more than his partner, as more than his friend. She had respected him too much to intrude her feelings upon his even when she knew he cared for her.  
  
With his free hand, John gently wiped way away her tear with his thumb. He put his hand against her cheek. They both leaned in and their mouths met in a kiss, a kiss full of realized longing, full of sweetness, full of love. When they parted, they were both smiling at this new, intoxicating freedom. Neither knew what tomorrow would bring when they went to work, but neither cared or worried about it at this moment. Hell, it had worked for Mulder and Scully hadn't it?  
  
John took his hand and pulled Monica the few extra inches closer to his body. He put his arm around her waist and she leaned into the crook of his neck.  
  
They gazed into the darkness as the first beam of light made its way, trying to dispel the darkness. A new day was coming.  
  
The End  
  
"Come hither and I shall light a candle of understanding in thine heart, which shall not be put out."-Apocrypha-2 Esdras  
  
"In love the heavens themselves do guide the state."-William Shakespeare-"The Merry Wives of Windsor" 


End file.
